Two thousand seven.

Interviewed with a company for a small molecule position that I absolutely loved. Thought I did very well in the interview. Got really good feedback. But I didn't get the job.

I cried and drank and dialed and cried some more.

Many month later, I found out that the company was having troubles, and they were on a company wide hiring freeze.

Sometimes, it really isn't about you. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you at all.

==========================================================================

Stumbled upon The Law of Attraction. Introduced it to my aunt. It completely changed her life. To the point where I'm afraid she has overdone it.

As for me? It works.

You are what you attract.

==========================================================================

A painful drama.

She (6:38:39 PM): i 'm sorry i stopped talking to you

She (6:38:42 PM): i want to tell you why

She (6:38:46 PM): that night you got drunk

She (6:38:50 PM): you said something that offended me

She (6:38:57 PM): and i just didn't want to deal with it

She (6:39:04 PM): soi acted childish

Me (6:39:16 PM): oh

Me (6:39:20 PM): what did i say?

Me (6:39:22 PM): and when?

She (6:39:28 PM): i don't want to get into it

She (6:39:39 PM): but it was similar to something that victor said to me before..

She (6:39:59 PM): just a general disbelief and lack of faith in me and questioning why i got a job offer and you didn't type of thing

Me (6:40:43 PM): whatever it is, i'm very sorry

Me (6:41:24 PM): why bring it up now?

She (6:41:37 PM): i meant to do it sooner

She (6:41:39 PM): just never did

She (6:41:45 PM): kind of just got too busy

She (6:42:50 PM): i realized it's not worth the anger and youguys were probably just frustrated

She (6:42:51 PM): whatever

Me (6:44:16 PM): and so now you want to start talking again....?

She (6:45:12 PM): i'm just not angry ove rmore

Me (6:47:36 PM): if you brought this up A LOT sooner i can do something about it, now i dunno what to tell ya

Me (6:48:40 PM): saying sorry so late isn't gonna cut it so i dunno why you bring this up now

Me (6:49:52 PM): you want me to feel bad or something?

Me (6:50:16 PM): want me to know what i'm the one who screwed up our friendship?

Me (6:53:08 PM): next time you wanna say something, say it right then or don't say it. period

She (6:53:00 PM): i thought you'd be curious

Me (6:53:15 PM): i was

Me (6:53:26 PM): got over it

She (6:53:33 PM): i wasn't being passive aggressive

She (6:53:45 PM): i jsut figured if someone could think that about me, they weren't worth my time or friendship

Me (6:53:57 PM): you want me to tell you how upset i was when i realized that our friendship is over?

She (6:54:03 PM): maybe you should watch what you say next time

Me (6:54:18 PM): i

Me (6:54:19 PM): was

She (6:54:12 PM): you want to know how upset i was when i found out you had no faith in me

Me (6:54:20 PM): drunk

She (6:54:15 PM): yeah

She (6:54:20 PM): it doens't mean you can't be honest when you're drunk

She (6:54:27 PM): probably more so, becaus eyou have no inhibitions

She (6:54:32 PM): so i figured it was your sincere thoughts

She (6:54:45 PM): i'm done

Me (6:55:44 PM): if you're so upset then why didn't you tell me?

Me (6:58:01 PM): can't believe you just said i wasn't worth your time or your friendship

Me (6:58:44 PM): fyi, if you want me to feel what you felt, you have succeeded

Me (6:58:47 PM): with flying colors

Me (6:58:50 PM): so congrats

Life is like a tapestry.

==========================================================================

Through all the ups and downs, I realized one very important thing.

I am very blessed.

I have friends and families whom I love, and love me in return. They fulfill my every needs, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. They also help me grow, personally and professionally.

Think about these people when you're bitching about life. You'll realize how great and how easy you have it.

==========================================================================

This has been a tough year. There were a lot of tears shed, a lot of shriveled hopes, a lot of broken dreams, and a lot of waking up.

But at the end of the day, when everything is said and done,

I am first and foremost thankful.

Thankful for what I have.

Thankful for what I am.

And my heart is warm and full right now.

What makes me happy?

In times when I feel stagnant and unhappy, I like to give thanks.

I am thankful for being a diamond in the rough.

I am thankful for the love I am receiving.

I am thankful for being me.

I am thankful for the ability to laugh and make fun of myself.

I am thankful for "You are only as happy as you let your mind to be."

I am thankful for "You can't rely on somebody else to complete you. It comes from your inner being."

I am thankful for the past for making me into what I am.

I can't help but chuckle a bit.

This is amazing. Such a simple exercise, yet so powerful.

And I maintain,

Life really is beautiful.

Ungrateful bitch.

Today I join the ranks of millions of Americans and billions of people worldwide.

I hate my job.

I feel so invisible and disposable. Like there’s no future.

Yeah, it’s the unknown that makes me unhappy.

On the other hand, I have a job. It pays the bills. I am learning A LOT. I am meeting new people. I am polishing myself.

Why am I such a son-of-a-bitch and ask for so much sometime?

God!

A moment of clarity.

It's not always about you.

Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you at all.

Remember that.

Wow...

It's been more than a year.

Wow.

It feels weird to be writing again.

Somehow, knowing that nobody will read this but myself, even though it's published for the whole world to see, that seems to project a sense of comfort. That's nice. I like that.

Snakehead.

Heh.

What a name.

Feels kinda stuck at the moment, doesn't it?

It'll get better. It always does.

Trust me.

I trust you.

Good night. Have a sweet dream little boy.

Hiatus

I'm in a pretty good place right now.

I'm gonna enjoy it while it last.

This is not a good bye.

It's a see you later.

Some exercise in the afternoon...

Me (1:10:12 PM): hey

Him (1:10:20 PM): hi Snakehead

Me (1:10:28 PM): it's good seeing you yesterday

Me (1:10:32 PM): been a long time

Him (1:10:50 PM): You saw me at my best ...

Me (1:11:32 PM): ha

Me (1:11:37 PM): getting cocky aren't we?

Him (1:11:53 PM): to you

Me (1:27:25 PM): so what you up to?

Him (1:27:41 PM): Right at the moment, I'm preparing a syllabus

Me (1:28:13 PM): i thougth you're jerking off

Me (1:28:15 PM): hahaha

Me (1:28:17 PM): just kidding

Him (1:28:27 PM): I did that this morning -- twice, actually.

Me (1:28:41 PM): wow

Me (1:28:43 PM): twice

Me (1:28:47 PM): very impressive

Him (1:28:52 PM): yeah, I've been horny.

Me (1:28:57 PM): heh

Me (1:28:58 PM): me too

Him (1:31:20 PM): oooh ... that's hot

Me (1:32:14 PM): so i'm getting you all hot and bothered?

Him (1:33:53 PM): in a good way

Me (1:34:21 PM): i'm sure. coz i'm good at it

Me (1:37:51 PM): are you wacking off now?

Him (1:59:05 PM): tell you in a bit; there are several people here in my office right now!

Him went idle at 2:10:13 PM.

Him returned at 2:12:47 PM.

Him (2:14:00 PM): whew -- everybody is gone now and the door is closed

Me (2:21:46 PM): haha

Me (2:21:55 PM): busy day

Him (2:40:05 PM): My sexual frustration makes it hard to get other things done.

Me (2:40:34 PM): well then you've come to the right place

Me (2:40:44 PM): i'm good at taking care of sexual frustration

Him (2:43:24 PM): yikes!

Me (2:46:01 PM): but i'm not a slut

Him (2:47:00 PM): you drive me wild!

Me (2:47:48 PM): really?

Me (2:47:52 PM): how wild?

Him (2:49:07 PM): Well, I was just thinking about your cute butt and the whole syllabus thing is falling apart.

Me (2:49:55 PM): if you come over now you can see it up close. you can even touch it!

Him (2:51:45 PM): really?

Me (2:52:15 PM): really

Him (2:53:36 PM): where are you?

Me (2:53:48 PM): at home. alone

Him (2:53:59 PM): but where's "home"?

Me (2:54:14 PM): this street and that street

Me (2:55:01 PM): close to that store

Him (2:55:55 PM): I wouldn't mind stopping by for a little visit ...

Him (2:56:01 PM): I'm at school right now -- not that far

Me (2:56:23 PM): i wouldn't mind some company...

Him (2:59:04 PM): what's your exact address?

Me (2:59:23 PM): 1234 this street

Him (2:59:55 PM): I'll be there in a bit.

Me (3:00:10 PM): how long?

Him (3:00:34 PM): not long

Him (3:00:54 PM): I walk fast.

Me (3:01:22 PM): k

Him signed off at 3:05:33 PM.

Nip/Talk

I don't like the way my nipples look anymore. They used to be round and perky. Now they're flat and elongated sideway. I need a nipple clamp or something.

Delusion.

It’s 5.40 in the afternoon. He’s been at work since 7.30 in the morning. He’s tired, hoping to catch a short nap on the uncomfortable bus seat. He rests his head on the window and closes his eyes.

Suddenly, the bus jerks and stops. He opened his eyes, and catches a glimpse of a man boarding the bus upfront. This man takes his breath away.

He has high cheek bones, the ones that everyone is dying for. His complexion is so flawless he could star in a cosmetic commercial without any makeup. His Mohawk style, blonde tip brown base hair is perfectly styled with a too much product. Not a single strand of hair is out of place. He smells of hair product and deodorant. His eye brows, although appears natural, shapes like two perfect caterpillars sitting above his mesmerizing eyes. His sexy lips look extremely inviting. His loose fit tee does not hide his workout, nicely toned body.

This man is so good looking, it would be a complete waste if he is straight.

This man move further into the bus, and settles down two feet away from him. He admires him. This man is without question, completely out of his league.

Suddenly, he got very angry. He’s very angry at this man. As the clock ticks he became more and more furious at this man. There is no why. Just is. He’s angry at this man and everything that he represent.

Where did this anger came from?

He admits that part of it is due to jealousy. But that’s just a small part of it.

All his life, he’s been trying to be unconventional. Because he’s not the best or the most or the number 1 in anything he does, he’s been trying to do things differently. To be unconventional. He’s straight acting. He doesn’t like to hang out with too many gay guys. He doesn’t like being around flaming homosexuals. Unconventional. Do things differently. He doesn’t use tons of facial product, like the conventional gay guys who care too much about their look. He doesn’t have the short Mohawk hair style that is so typical among the gay guys. He doesn’t look gay at all.

And then this man came on the bus and shattered all that.

He’s angry at himself for finding this man extremely attractive. This man, who stands for everything he doesn’t believe in. This man, who is so stereotypically gay, his picture should be posted next to the word ‘gay’ in dictionaries.

This man, whose breathtaking beauty has shown him one thing.

He shows him that after so many years, he is still insecure about himself.

Evidently he’s been deluding himself all this time.

I just realize...

that meetings are just a bunch of people getting together trying to stay awake with gallons and gallons of coffee.