Thursday, May 19, 2005

Introducing homophobic closet case jackass...

Getting drunk wasn't fun last night.

It wasn't fun at all, except the slightly drunk part. Maybe it would've been better if I was totally shitfaced.

Yesterday was a weird day. I remember coming home totally psyched because I'm DONE! SUCKASS BITCHES!! But then something happened... and the next thing I know, my roommate was unusually jerk-y (is that a word?). I mean, he turned into the biggest son of a bitch in the entire galaxy in the span of a few seconds, that asshole. Later when he found out that I was pissed, he apologized and unnecessarily justified his action by saying, and I quote "you're an easy target." How the hell am I an easy target while I'm just standing there not doing anything is totally beyond me. Maybe if I were running around then I wouldn't be such an easy target because I'm running around? Maybe he thinks I'm a bulls eye or something. Hmm... I do like wearing red a lot. Perhaps I'm the stupid idiot with a red table cloth and he's a bull. A hairy bull. With lots of tattoos. Including one on his dick. Not that I've seen one, you know. I'm just assuming.

So then I discovered that being a bulls eye totally killed any kind of drinking mood that I was in, so I decided to just stay home, and helped him clean out the house for his graduation party he's throwing. So, to sum it up, he was being an ass, and I get back at him by helping him clean the house. Hmm... I wonder if it's my stupidity that makes me an easy target.

Later that night, I got my ass dragged to the local watering hole, thanks to a drunken buddy who started drinking at 11am, whom I should've joined but instead I stayed home and CLEAN... Martha Stewart would've been proud of me. God I'm such a loser. Does anybody has a permanent marker? I need to write something on my forehead.

Fast forward to me in a bar with said drunken friend (DF), drunken friend's girlfriend (DFG), a few other friends, and a jack ass (JA) whom I've just met. It's my 3rd cocktail, and I'm a little tipsy. Do you have any idea how easily can 1 Long Island fuck you up? I didn't know that shit was so potent. I mean, cool people in movies order Long Island left and right like it's an ice tea when they're at a bar, so I thought it won't be so bad. I have no idea what uncool people in movies drink when they're at a bar because... well, they're uncool, and I'm cool. Yeah, I'm so cool I make Martha Stewart proud.

Let me tell you something about JA. When I first met him, he was asking DFG if her handbag is Coach or Gucci. *My broken gaydar is picking up a signal. Maybe I'll get lucky tonight.* DFG said it's either Coach or Cucci because the letter C is everywhere on the purse. JA then proceed to tell EVERYBODY that if they go to a Coach store, they have this huge ass Coach duffle bag with a bunch of Cs on them that sell for 800 bucks. *Gaydar signal getting stronger...* Now, I'm a gay dude, and I've seen DFG's handbag a million times, and I always thought it was some cheap ass handbag she paid $5 for at a flea market. My point is, I know abso-fucking-lutely nothing about handbags. Maybe I'm not in touch with my feminine gay side. Maybe I should start by wearing a pantyhose and pee sitting down.

Later, DFG told me that JA is not gay. Let me repeat that. She told me he is NOT GAY. Yes, you read that right. A straight guy just asked a girl what brand her handbag is. Yes, he shops at Coach stores. Yes, he's in the closet. DFG said JA knows these stuff so well because his girlfriend has them. Yes, he's a closet case whose trying to turn himself straight by fucking girls with Coach handbags.

Later later, with my 3rd Long Beach in hand, I was getting tipsy, and started acting like an idiot. DF and DFG were talking to closet case JA when I interrupted their conversation and started touching DFG rather inappropriately. Closet case JA noticed and told DF. DF then proceed to explain the situation by outing me to closet case JA. It is at this point that I kinda lost my balance a little and had to grab onto closet case JA to balance myself, and he immediately freaked out and demand that I don't touch him EVER AGAIN. It is also at this point that I realized that closet case JA is not only a closet case, but a homophobe too! A homophobic closet case who hates gay guys because being around gay guys hits too close to home.

So that's what homophobic closet case jack ass looks like.