Saturday, May 21, 2005

I'm not crazy. I swear.

Q: How often should you wash your bed sheets?

A) Once a day.
B) Once a week.
C) Once a month.
D) When you couldn’t remember when was the last time you wash them because that was centuries ago.

Answer: D
It was so sunny outside that it inspired me to do laundry. Not just any ordinary laundry, but THE laundry laundry. I’ve always find it very sensual to do bed sheets laundry with the guy who occasionally sleeps in your bed. You have to crawl all over the bed to get to the corner to peel the bed sheets off, and you can spank his butt to get him out of the way if he’s blocking you. Of course that would usually lead to some naughty foreplay involving wrestling. Then of course the clothes will come off one by one…. Then when we’re done taking care of “business”, we can rest for a little bit, and then go back to peeling the bed sheets off, and spanking and wrestling....... But when you’re just by yourself, what’s the fun in spanking your own butt?!

Q: What would you find in your bed if you wash the sheets as often as I do?

A) Curly pubic hair.
B) Straight head hair.
C) Cum stains.
D) Drool stains.
E) Boogers. Lots and lots of them.

Answer: All of the above.
I can’t believe my bed is so fucking NASTY!! It’s probably my fault that it’s so nasty, but still! The longest I’ve gone without showering is only 3 days, I couldn’t be that nasty, could I? I do remember sometimes, I dig my nose in my dreams. Now I wonder if it’s really my dreams. I drool a fucking lot. Sometimes up to a gallon a night. I drool so much my pillow itself has drool stains on them. God I am nasty!

Q: Speaking of bed, how many pillows do you have?

A) 1
B) 2
C) 3
D) 4
E) 5

Answer: E
Yes, I have 5 pillows. Yes, it is a lot. Yes, I’m a guy. Yes, I’m a gay guy. No, I can’t get rid of any of them. All of them have their own unique function. Let me explain.
- The Tommy Hilfiger extra-firm-support pillow: This is for my clean head to sleep on at night. What’s a clean head? A clean head is a head that just got out of the shower, with nice smelling hair and minty breaths.
- The Laura Ashley ultimate-support pillow: This is for my dirty head to sleep on anytime of the day. What’s a dirty head? A dirty head is a head that has not gotten into the shower for the past 3 hours, with hair wax and garlic breaths.
- The No Brand extra-firm pillow from Target: This is for me to spoon when I sleep. Some people can’t sleep without their stuff animals, some can’t sleep without holding onto a penis, I can’t sleep without spooning something. Hence this spooning pillow.
- The Tag-Fell-Off fluffy pillow: This is the movie pillow. If somebody disturbs me while I’m watching a movie, I’ll hit them with this pillow, and then choke them to death with it when they’re down. Sometimes I hide behind this pillow if the movie is too scary. Sometimes I use this pillow to dry my eyes if the movie is sad.
- The ULTIMATE pillow: This is THE ultimate pillow. The mother of all pillows. It can be used in any of the above mentioned position, and it always works better than the above mentioned pillows. This is the reward pillow. The pillow I use only when I’ve earned the right to use it. Nobody touches this pillow but me.

Q: Do you think I’m weird?

A) Yes.
B) Extemely.
C) I think you’re crazy.
D) Did you just escaped from mental institution?

Answe OH SHIT! They just found out I’m here! They’re going to throw me back into my padded cell! Shit! One of them is carrying a needle. They’re going to sedate me!

“My warriors, are you READY FOR BATTLE?!!”

The Tommy Hilfiger extra-firm-support pillow: YEAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
The Laura Ashley ultimate-support pillow: BRING THEM ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The No Brand extra-firm pillow from Target: LET’S FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM!!!!!
The Tag-Fell-Off fluffy pillow: LET’S GOOO!!!!!!!!
The ULTIMATE pillow: But I just got my nails done.

“OK, The ULTIMATE pillow, you stay here. EVERYONE ELSE, LET’S HAVE A PILLOW FIGHT!!!!”