Monday, October 03, 2005

If I have a piece of bread, I'll eat half of it. The other half, I'll give it to you.

Sometimes I wonder.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, M, asked if I can be his subject in a project he's doing for a journalism class. It sounded simple. All he needs to do is follow me around from time to time, take pictures, and make a story out of it in his portfolio. I thought it would be fun. So I said yes.

Sometimes I wonder.
I wonder if I know what lies ahead.

So he started taking pictures. And turns out, I'm not that comfortable at all. One night, he insisted of coming over. I was in my pajamas, in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy on ABC, and he's snapping away. No, it was no fun. Then another day, he followed me around from library to computer lab to TA's office. I'm not really complaining though. The pictures came out pretty good.

Sometimes I wonder.
I wonder if this is it.

M pitched his idea to his professor, showed him the pictures. The professor didn't like them. Why? Because nothing in those pictures show that I'm gay, and the core of his project centers around my being gay. So,

"Hi Snakehead, how's it going?"

"Good. What's up, M?"

"So I showed my professor the pictures. He said they were good, but it doesn't show that you're gay at all."

"Of course. I told you!"

"So I was thinking that maybe you can go out with my friend, O, and I'll basically take pictures of you guys going on a date."

"Are you serious?!"

"Yeah. Well, it doesn't have to be O, you know. You can pick whoever you want. I was thinking maybe a picture of you getting ready, all dressed up and stuff, and then one when he comes pick you up, and then one where you guys are going into a restaurant. And if we can find a car, maybe I'll get one when you guys are getting into the car or something."

"Err... Why don't you pick another subject?"

"It's too late now. I have to turn something in in about a week or two."


Then something hit me.

"You know what? There's this guy I really wanted to go out with again. Maybe I can ask him if he wants to do it."

"Great. Yeah, go ask him. And then let me know. It's no rush, so you don't have to hurry."

Sometimes I wonder.
I wonder if I really want it.

I called this guy up, told him the whole story, and asked if he wanted to do it. He seems relunctant, because he doesn't like his pictures taken. Did I mention he's an actor? Did I also mention he just graduated about a year ago, and is "putting his career first" by working 4 jobs? Did I also mention that we went out once, a while ago, and that I like him? Did I also mention that even after he said he's "putting his career first", I still hope that maybe, just maybe I can change his mind, even though he clearly stated that he's only gonna focus his attention on his career, and nothing else?

"I really don't want you to feel like you have to do this, you know? I know you're crazy busy, so just say no if you don't feel like it or if you don't have the time."

"Nah, it's alright. I'll do it. So we'll just go have dinner, right? And you said the pictures are only for him and his professor, right? Yeah, Okay. I'll do it. When does your friend need to do this?"

"I'm not sure. He just asked him and I said I'll get back to him. I guess the biggest question here is when are you available?"

"Yeah that's right. Let me take a look here. Monday to Thursday I got rehearsal at this theatre, Friday night I'm working at that theatre, Saturday I got rehearsal and Sunday I'm volunteering at this place, and my friend is visiting so I want to hang out with her..."

"You really don't have to do this. I know you're really bus..."

"Oh here's one. Wednesday I got a rehearsal from 1 to 6, and then I gotta stay and take notes for the show at 7 until they're done. So I got an hour window, from 6 to 7, on Wednesday, in Berkeley."

"Ok cool. I'll let him know and I'll get back to you tomorrow."

"Sorry Snakey. I'm just super busy all the time. One day I'm gonna take a break from theatre and just go far far away."

"Oh no it's alright. I understand."

Sometimes I wonder.
I wonder why.

Whenever someone asks if I have a boyfriend, the answer is no.
Whenever someone asks if I have a girlfriend, the answer is God no.
Whenever someone asks if I have a crush on anybody, the answer after a short pause is no.

One question nobody ever asked, and I never had to answer, is have I ever been in love?

The answer would also be no.

No, I have never been in love.
No, I don't know what it's like.
No, I don't know the feeling of being in love.

But I need to believe. I need to believe that one day, I will look a guy in his eyes, and tell him I love you, and mean it. Every word of it.

And I need hope. I need the hope that one day, I will find him. That's probably the reason why I'm barely hanging onto a string that's on the verge of breaking. I can't let go. I know I should, but I can't.

I mean, hope, is better than no hope, isn't it?

Isn't it?

It isn't, is it?

Sometimes I wonder.....