Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I think I'm back for the moment.

Life sucks right now.

Looking back at my posting last few postings, I am shocked that I'm still not on Zoloft.

What the hell happened to me?

A few weeks ago I had this constant headache and I've never experienced anything like it before. I thought I had cancer or brain aneurysm or something. But as I was picturing myself dying and all, the feeling was oddly peaceful, like I was ready to go, like there's nothing here to keep me. I know, I'm a selfish mother fucker.

So I went to the doctor, and he did all this tests, including massaging my scalp and neck and shoulder. No, he's not gay, although I thought he was gay at first, but then he said something about his wife. So no he's not gay. At the end of the examination he concluded that my headache was mostly likely due to stress. I told him that I wasn't under any stress. He told me that many people don't feel stressed out when they're in fact, stressed out. And having a headache is a way your body is telling you that something's not right and you gotta change something.

Well then, apparently I'm not dying.

So last week was spring break, and I spend the entire week visiting DC, Philly and NY. And I guess the doctor was right, because after the trip, my headache was gone. Apparently I was extremely stressed out.

Was I stressed out?

I don't think so.

But the fact is, I am.

Spiritually and mentally, I am slowly evolving. I'm turning 23 next month, and I guess my biological clock is ticking. I want to settle down. I want a relationship. But you know what the say about love and relationship? Love is like a butterfly, you can't catch it, you gotta let it come to you. Which is such a bitch! Admittedly I am not the best looking guy. In fact, I don't think I'm very cute at all. I don't have all the pre-requisites to survive in this harsh gay world. I mean, c'mon, let's admit it. Sex is easy. Anything more than that? Don't even think about it. I'm not cute, I have pimpley face and crooked teeth, I am skinny like a stick and I don't have the "required" body shape. What's worse, I have backacne. So to sum it up, I look like shit. Literally. Inner beauty? Who the fuck cares about that when you look like somebody hit you with a shovel when you're a kid?

As you can imagine, looking like shit is slowly but surely doing "great" things to my self esteem. It's currently at an all time low, just like Bush's approval rating. I don't like myself when I look in the mirror. When I was in NY, I went to a gay bar in Chelsea. Long story short, nobody wanted to dance with me, a guy told me very nicely that he's not interested at all, there's a male hooker at the bar and even he's not interested in me. To top things off, the girl that I went with gave her phone number to the only straight guy there. We were in a fucking gay bar and she got hit on, asked to dance while I got absolutely nothing at all.

That night ended with me wailing in her arms on a footstep somewhere in Chelsea. She has no idea why I cried.

Not too long ago I posted an ad on craigslist. I got 2 great responses, and I felt partially connected to them just by reading their emails. So I penned 2 equally great replies and we exchanged pictures and I never hear from them again.

Man, I really am ugly, aren't I?

I am not a lucky person. I have never been lucky my entire life. I am extremely pessimistic. I always turn good things into bad things so that when the good things evetually turn into shitty things, I won't feel too bad about it. That's my philosophy. In NY I waited in line trying to get lottery tickets to Wicked for 3 times, and I guess you can tell if I have won any.

I'm graduating at the end of the year. So I'm actively looking for internships for this summer. Predictably, I am getting as many rejections as interviews. I am starting to doubt my academic abilities. The reasons that I've gotten so far was that my grades were not good enough, I don't have enough experiences, I don't have strong enough background in biology, I can't work here permanently because I'm an international student etc etc.

In hindsight, I guess I was extremely stressed out. And the worse part is, there is no quick solutions to any of my problems. Well, I do have one solution that's giving me hope. I'm planning that when I start making money, I'm gonna have a plastic surgeon fix my teeth. And I'm also gonna spend a ton of money on personal trainers and diet supplement and dermatologists.

Don't judge me.

I have extremely low self esteem.