Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Act I & II.

Act I

Who: Me, The Tattooed Lawyer (TTL) and Love Is Blinder (LIB)
Where: My room
When: Sometime between midnight and 1 am

The Plot: I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep. LIB is on my computer, talking to his future-wife. TTL is on his laptop, looking for housing in San Francisco...

TTL: "How long have you been talking to her?"

Me: "Are you still talking to her?"

LIB: "Yeah."

Me: "LIB you're too into her. That's why she's treating you like shit sometimes."

LIB: "Shut up. She's good now. Things are good now."

*Someone farted. 2 minutes later the cops came knocking on the door. They thought a dynamite exploded. It was THAT loud.*

Me: "Holy shit! What the hell was that?"

TTL: "Was that you? Hahahahaha...."

LIB: "Pretty loud, huh? Hahahahaha..."

TTL: "Tell her you just farted."

LIB: "What? No way!"

TTL: "Come on. Alright, let me tell her. Here..."

LIB: "Nooooo! TTL, come on!"

TTL: "Dude, you said you're gonna marry her in 2 years and you're afraid to tell you you farted? Come on."

LIB: "Don't be stupid, TTL"

TTL: "What? Don't tell me you guys are still at the stage where you're embarrassed to fart in front of each other. I'll take a shit in front of my fiancee."

Me: "WHAT?!"

LIB: "C'mon."

TTL: "What? I'm serious. I'll just sit down and take a shit in front of her. That's when you know you're in a relationship. When you're not afraid to shit in front of her."

Me: *Mouth gaping but no words came out.*

LIB: "That's disgusting, TTL."

TTL: "There's a certain threshold that you know you crossed when you do that. That's when you're REALLY in a relationship, you know? Like you're really comfortable being around each other. Like I'll just go to the bathroom and take a shit, and leave the door open so that I can talk to her."

Me: "But DUDE! The smell. Dude, it stinks!"

TTL: "But you're gonna be smelling each other's shit for the rest of your life. So what's the big deal? Might as well start now."

Me: "Oh my God. I'm going back to sleep."

LIB: "Hahaha...."

TTL: "What?"

----- End of Act I -----


Who: Me, TTL and LIB
Where: Still my room
When: Sometime between 1 am and 1.30 am

I'm still in my bed, still trying to go to sleep. TTL is still looking for housing. LIB is done talking with his future-wife...

TTL: "Hey do you like fellatio?"

LIB: "Huh?"

TTL: "I mean cunnilingus. Do you like to do that?"

LIB: "What?!"

TTL: "Cunnilingus. Do you even know what it means?"

LIB: "Yeah, of course."

TTL: "What is it? Tell me."

LIB: "No. I don't want say it."

TTL: "Why? C'mon. Tell me."

LIB: "No."

TTL: "What you're shy or something?"

LIB: "No."

Me: "What does it mean anyway? Going down on a girl?"

TTL: "Yeah."

Me: "I heard it smells like fish down there. Is that true?"

TTL: "It can be. But it shouldn't be."

LIB: "That's disgusting."

TTL: "What? Dude, how can you say it's disgusting? What, you're not going to go down on your wife?"

LIB: "NO! It's disgusting."

Me: "Of course it's nasty!"

LIB: "See? He agrees with me. Thank you."

TTL: "Of course he agrees with you. He sucks cock, remember?"

Me: "And pretty good at that too, I might say."

TTL: "Shut up. I bet George Bush is not getting any from his wife."

LIB: "What the hell are you talking about?"

TTL: "You know, he's not having sex. He has sex only to procreate. That's why he's so frustrated. I mean look at Iraq."

LIB: "What the hell are you talking about? You're crazy. Look at Bill Clinton."

TTL: "I'm not saying having sex will stop the war. I'm just saying if the President is having sex regularly, he'll be happy and satisfied. He'll then let the little things slide. But when you're not having enough sex, little little things will set you off. That's why George Bush bombed Iraq."

Me: "I totally agree."

LIB: "Yeah but to sleep with a White House girl? That's wrong."

TTL: "See, Snakehead agrees with me."

LIB: "Shut up, Snakehead. He agrees with everything. Go back to sleep."

Me: "I can't. It's too bright. You're too loud.

TTL: "Then don't sleep. We'll stay up talking all night. It's his last night here."

LIB: "Yeah, Snakehead. I'm leaving tomorrow. You'll miss me."

Me: "I'm going to sleep."

LIB: "Hey who do you like to check out more? Me or TTL?"

TTL: "Yeah who?"

Me: "I'm going to sleep."

LIB: "C'mon, Snakehead. Tell us."

Me: "None of you."

TTL: "Liar."

LIB: "Liar."

----- End of ACT II -----