Porn star and mankini-line©.

Because of this¹ and this² and this³ and this⁴, I have a feeling that I shouldn't write about that perfectly rectangular, 2" x 1/2" burn mark on my right arm that I got last night when I was making fried chicken.

So, let's change the subject.

I'm turning into a porn star.

No, not because my already huge dick just got bigger (I mean, c'mon, an 18" long dick is just downright scary). No, not because I suddenly turned into a nasty fat and ugly guy with a small dick (I'm NOT talking about Ron Jeremy. If you think I'm talking about him, you're partially wrong.)

I'm turning into a porn star because I'm sporting a porn star-y tan. My mankini-line^© is so crazy obvious, sometimes I'm ashamed to take showers at the gym. What's a mankini-line^©, you ask? A mankini-line^© is a bikini-line on a man with a huge dick. Except it's caused by speedo, NOT bikini. C'mon people, I don't wear bikini. What do you think I am, a bikini-wearer or something? Stop picturing me in a bikini! You people are freaking me out.

Oh and mankini-line^© is a copyrighted phrase. So don't use it without my permission or I'll sue you until you're left with nothing but your thong. Muahahahaha....

Anyway, I did not go to the tanning salon 24/7. What I got is an all organic tan, without any artificial hormones, pesticides and genetically modified organisms. As you might or might not have known, I swim. A lot. Like 5 or 6 times a week. In an outdoor pool. Hence the tan. My ass is as white as Snow White, but the rest of my body is as dark as Michael Jackson when he was born. I know I could've put on some SPF 15000 and all those crap, but I'm just too lazy. See my profile? The first thing I said about myself? Yeah, I'm a lazy ass mother fucker.

So far, my porn star life suck fat ass big time. I have 4 roommates. Roommate A and roommate B went to Tahoe last night, and will be back Monday night. Roommate C is going to Fiji for 2 weeks. Fiji, people! Fiji! 2 weeks, people! 2 weeks!

Fiji + 2 weeks = I hate that son of a bitch.

I don't know what I'm gonna do if he starts showing me his vacation pictures when he gets back. I might just lose it and go all hasta-la-vista-baby on his ass. You wanna know what I'm doing for 4th of July? I'm going to watch Inde-fucking-pendence Day on TV. Just kidding. But whatever I'm doing will be pale in comparison to Tahoe and Fiji. P-A-L-E. I should just start getting shitfaced now to ease my pain.



^{1 2 3 4} Don't you just hate links? I know I do. Why the hell can't those dumbasses write whatever the hell they want to say and just get the whole thing over with⁵?

⁵ Unless of course when you're already a 100% certified cool dumbass, then you're excepted⁶.

⁶ I also hate footnotes. It's so fucking stupid. Why the hell can't those dumbasses write whatever the hell they want to say and just get the whole thing over with⁷?

⁷ Refer to footnote #5.