I touched a vagina and I have braided nipple hair. Well, not really.

My fingers smell like fish today. Salmon, to be exact. It stinks. Then I got to thinking. I've heard that a woman's genitalia smells like fish if she doesn't clean it. If that's true, would it smell like my fingers? I asked Drunken Friend once, and he said his girlfriend's smell like rose. Rose my ass. I mean, it doesn't, does it? I've never seen or touched or sniffed one, so I don't know. I wonder if I will ever see or touch or sniff one in my life. I wonder what it would be like. Hmm... I do know what to do with it though. You jam 2 fingers in and rub the clit with another thumb, right? I learned that from watching porn.

Speaking of thumb, my thumb is actually kinda sore.

*Gasp*

Sore thumb + fishy fingers = I. Touched. A. Vagina.

Wait a minute. That can't be right. I was doing *ahem* something else. Let's do the math one more time.

Sore thumb + fishy fingers = I grilled salmon. I didn't wash my hand properly. I'm nasty. YUCK!!

Maybe that's why I'm single.

I have a new pet peeve. I'm starting to hate people who write "am trying to kiss my own ass." instead of "I'm trying to kiss my own ass." or "I am trying to kiss my own ass." How hard is it to hold down Shift and hit the letter I on the keyboard, release, and hit the space bar once. Or to hold down Shift and hit the letter I, release, hit the apostrophe key, and then hit the letter M. Tell me, how FUCKING hard is that? Huh? Huh?! Am pissing myself off with this stupid nonsense. Am going to slap myself if I start a sentence like that again. Am slapping myself right now. Am sore from slapping myself. Am going to kill myself if I see that again. Am dead.

Goddamn it!

Do you know that dogs have spring breaks? Do you also know that dogs go to the beach on spring breaks? Do you also know that dogs have threesome? Do you also know that dogs have threesome on a beach on spring breaks? Do you also know that I have three nipples? Do you also know that I have three nipple hairs on each three nipples? Do you also know that I shampoo and condition my three nipple hairs? Do you also know that all nine hairs are three feet long? Do you also know that they are braided? Do you also know that my mother did that for me? I'll stop here. Before it gets out of control.

Anyway, dogs having threesome on a beach during spring break is true. See for yourself.

Do you also know that it's nearly impossible to pee in the pool while you're swimming?

Wait.

*Commotion ensues*

What? Huh?! Hmm!?

What's going on here? Who said that? You pee in the pool!?

WHAT? Huh!?

I don't pee in the pool. I DON'T!

Who pees in the pool then? Hmph!

*Commotion slowly subsides*

I think I should get out of here before anybody finds out the truth.