Friday, July 08, 2005

Introducing Gorilla McPsycho.

Oh. My. God.

Can someone please stop pounding my head? I'm willing to give 1000 blow jobs to the person who can stop the pounding. I'm serious. I mean, who gets hangover at the same night? Goddamn it! I knew I shouldn't start drinking that early.

HOWEVER, this post is not about me. It's about Gorilla McPsycho.

A potential roommate, let's call him Gorilla McPsycho, is supposed to come check the place out at 3.45 pm yesterday.

It's 3.50 pm.

*Knock, knock*

I opened the door.

"Hi, are you The Snakehead?"

"Yeah. Gorilla McPsycho? Come on in."

"Yes. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you," I said. We shook hand. "How's it going?"

"Oh I just typed the address into maps dot Google, and they give me a direction here" was his answer to my "how's it going".

I stepped aside, let him in, and closed the door. It was really nice out, sunny and breezy.

"All right, let me give you the grand tour of the house," I said. "You're interested in the cheaper room, right?"


"All right. That's my room," I said as we passed by my room, which I think is the nicest room in the house. "This room is taken as well," I pointed at the biggest bedroom, which belongs to the roommate who'll also be staying for another year. "He's in Fiji right now. For 2 weeks! Lucky bastard."

"I smell weed. Does he smoke marijuana?" He frowned.

"Yes. Actually we all do. Occasionally." I'm starting to not like him. "Here's the room you're looking for. $645 a month, utilities included except cable TV and internet, which comes to about $25 a month."

He entered the room without saying anything, and looked left and right. He walked towards the window, and lifted the curtain. All he can see was our backyard. He pulled the curtain back, and stepped away from the window. He then proceed to stare at the heater on the floor.

What the hell?

2 minutes of dead silence later, he reached for the door. He closed it halfway, then re-open it. Closed it halfway, then re-open it. It's like he's fanning himself. With that door.

Finally, he stopped. "Here, let me show you the rest of the house," I said as soon as he stopped. "This is the kitchen/dining room. We have a dishwasher...."

He walked passed me before I can finish what I wanted to say. He walked over to the stove, bent down, and open the oven. He closed it, opened it, and closed it again. He then walked over to the freezer and did the same thing. It was at this point that I decided I was going to write about him.

"Here, let me show you the living room. And this is the bathroom," I talked as fast as I could. I wanted him out of my house as fast as possible. "That one over there is just the toilet. And this one right here, is a laundry room. And this is the backyard." Again, the awesome weather greeted me as soon as I opened the door.

Apparently Mr. McPsycho is not very interested in the backyard. Instead, he disappeared into the bathroom as soon as we walked back into the house. I sat on the couch waiting for him to resurface.

"You have any questions for me?" I asked when he got out, hoping he would say no. Instead, he pulled a notepad out from his back pocket, and parked himself on the couch opposite me.

"What are the neighbors like?" was his first question.

"They're pretty cool. Although I don't really know them."

"What's the general atmosphere around the house like?"


"Can you elaborate more?"


"How long have you been living here?"

"A year."

"How long has the other roommates been living here?"

"A year."

"Name one thing you like most about the place."

"It's awesome."

"Name one thing you like least about the place."


"Say if something broke, like the heater's not working. Who's responsible for that?"

"The landlord."

"What time do people usually go to bed?"

"It depends."


"On whether it's weekdays or weekends."

"Can you give me an estimate?"

"Between midnight and 1 in the morning."

"Will you be the one deciding who's gonna move in?"

"Yes," I said dryly. And you're never going to.

"Name the last three movies you saw."

"I don't see how you need to know that."

"This is to see how compatible we are as roommates."

Nobody is compatible with psychos like you. "Fine. Apollo 13, War of the Worlds, Batman Begins." I'm getting frustrated. I'm feeling like I'm being interrogated. And I. Don't. Like. It.

"Name the last three albums you bought."

"I don't buy albums."

"Okay. You have any questions for me?"

Yeah, when can you get the hell out of my house? "No."

"All right then. I have 3 more places to look at tomorrow and Saturday. I'll send you an email when I make up my mind." He got up from that couch, ready to leave.

"Sounds good." I walked him to the door.

"Take care," he said.

"You too."

We shook hands one last time.

I closed the door.

10 minutes later, my roommate came home. I told him about Gorilla McPsycho.

We both agreed that he is psycho.