Porn, Jager, bathtub and OxiClean.

Originally I wanted to write about work 'cause I really needed to vent about my bitch-ass PHD supervisor and his lab partner whom both (I hope) has herpes, genital warts, syphilis and every other STDs unknown to mankind which are causing their penises on the verge of falling off like a banana. But then I realize

A) Nobody is reading this, and
B) Nobody knows what Polarographic Measurement of a High Dk Hydrogel means. Actually, neither do I.

So let's move on to something we can all appreciate.

My roommate watches porn at 8 in the morning and my bath tub sparkles and my head hurts. Not that any one of them has anything to do with the others.

Early this morning after puking my stomach out (I swear I saw it coming out of my mouth, along with potstickers I had for dinner), I rested my head on the toilet seat. I know it's dirty and nasty and germy and I'm probably infected with Salmonella and my dick is going to fall off, but see if you care if you're that drunk. So I was resting my head on the seat, heaving, and look over to the bathtub, and realized that

A) I've been taking showers everyday for God knows how long in a pigsty, and
B) My feet will probably fall off before my dick.

So looks like I'm turning into a feetless dickless man.

Shit.

For some unknown reasons that is still under the investigation by the FBI, CIA, local authorities and my mother, I decided to clean the bathtub right there and then. And boy did I clean that fucker out. I never realized I have such potential as a bathtub cleaner, or as I like to call it -- OxiClean. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to aisle 5 in Target.

Note to self: Next time when you're drinking and you think you should stop. Stop. DO NOT believe your friend when he says "Take this last shot and I'll show you my dick" or "Here, have some Jager. It helps with your hangover." They are all LIES. I didn't see any dick, and my head still hurts. Bastards.

This morning I woke up to the following sound.

Ahh.. Ohh... Oh yeah... Yes.. Yes.. Oh Fuck me.. Right there... Ohh.. Ughh... Yes.. Yes.. Ahh!!

What the fuck is going on? There's no one in the house. Everybody is at work. Who the hell is watching porn? I followed the moans (which by the way, is SO TOTALLY fake it's as annoying as a bee's buzz) to my roommate's room, turned on the monitor, and I was greeted by the image of a dick going in and out of a shaved pussy. What did he forgot to turn off the porn before he left for work? Or perhaps he wanted to be greeted by a giant shaved pussy when he gets home? I will never know.

I turned it off, tried to go back to sleep, but I kept seeing a dick going in and out of a pussy whenever I closed my eyes.

Shit.