Look out! Hot gay sex coming up. Leave if you're (insert whatever you call yourself here).

I feel kinda stupid that I have to put up a warning sign (imagine Coldplay's Warning Sign playing softly in the background), but in my defense, I don't want to offend my precious readers. All 5 of you. I mean, if there's one thing this bigoted society has taught me, it's this:

Girl + girl + actions = erection
Boy + boy + actions = erectile dysfunction.

Speaking of equations, someone once told me these:

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

So true. So so true.

All right, on with the story.

I picked up a guy from the pool yesterday. For the first time. I think it was the weed. Man, I heart weed. So much.

So, I was doing laps. After my usual 10 laps routine, I stopped and I looked up. Something on the bleachers caught my eyes. Man, all I can say was, salt and pepper has never been sexier. Not even the real salt and pepper can top that. Not that I think the real salt and pepper is sexy, mind you. He looks exactly like John Slattery, with more pepper and less salt. If I have to describe him in two words, it'll be: fucking hot.

Before I go any further, I need to tell you that I'm still working on my butterfly stroke. I just learned it all by myself by observation. Hence it doesn't look that good. In fact, it looks quite retarded. John Slattery lookalike on the other hand, is a professional amateur swimmer.

So, after giving him the 'look', I went back to swimming. 3 laps later, I looked up, and he's gone.

"Damn it!"

Turns out, he has gotten back into the water. I found him 2 lanes down. I continued giving him the look, and I caught him going under water checking me out as I swam away. Bingo!

20 minutes later, I'm done. I got out of the pool, he followed. I took a quick shower, he did too. Man he was H-A-W-T! Did I mention that I had to take a cold shower just to keep my little brother from waking up?

Cut to me leaving the gym. I was walking so slow, people were giving me weird looks. Finally, John Slattery lookalike caught up with me.

Him: "Hey, how are you doing?"

Me: "Good."

More small talks followed.

Him: "Where you going now?"

Me: "I'm going home. What about you?"

Him: "Me too. I live on the north side, about 15 minutes walk away. You wanna come over?"

Me: "Sure. Sounds good."

Turns out, that was the furthest (farthest?) 15 minutes walk I've ever had in my entire life. By the time we got to his place, I'm pretty sure we're already in China. He, on the other hand, turns out to be an interesting guy. We were talking like we've known each other for a while.

"You want anything to drink?"

"Uhh, yeah sure. Water would be good."

"Here you go."

"Thanks."

"Your backpack looks heavy. Why don't you leave it on the couch?"

"Sure." I walked over and dropped my backpack, which has only my speedo and goggles in it. "Nice place."

"Thanks. Let me show you around."

"Okay."

A cat appeared out of nowhere. Another one followed shortly.

"These are my cats. Kitty and kitty."

"What?" I burst out laughing.

"What are you laughing at?" He asked with a smile. "Come here."

I went to him. We embraced. Our lips met, very gently.

"Let's go to the bedroom."

"Okay."

His bedroom has a ladder that goes up to a loft, where the bed is. It looks kinda weird. I had a feeling that I was climbing up to a tree house as I was going up the ladder.

"This is different," I said as I got to the top.

"Yeah. It's like my private hideaway from the world."

"You read Wally Lamb? That's my favorite author!" I said as I picked up a copy of She's Come Undone on the night stand.

"Come here," he said right before nibbling my neck. It feels good.

"Mmmmm..." was all I can say.

I turned around. Our lips met again, this time more vigorously. But for a man his age, he is a pretty bad kisser. The tongue actions were minimal.

He then grabbed my entire body and toss it onto his bed. Now he's on top of me.

"How much do you weigh? Like 20 lbs?"

"Yeah right! You weigh 20 lbs. I weigh 200 lbs." I said as he continued nibbling my neck. He's a nibbler.

"Uh huh," he said when he came up for air. "You're so skinny it's like you have to hold on to something when the wind blows."

I slapped his ass.

"And you have the worse butterfly I've ever seen."

"What?!" I believe I turned bright red. I'm embarrassed to the max.

"You do. I even told my friend that," he said as he was about to start nibbling again.

"Hey! Just so you know, I taught myself that. And it's hard when you can't see what you're doing." Defense mode: ON.

He laughed. "Can't you take a little critism, huh?" He slapped my ass. "At least you're persistent, which is good."

"You suck."

He laughed.

I sneezed.

He laughed even harder.

I rolled over and pinned him down. His laughs slowly subsided. I took my shirt off, then his.

"You know, you look so hot in that red speedo," he whispered.

"Oh yeah?" I'm teasing him, trailing my tongue down his body. I got to his pelvis. I took his pants off. He was hard as a rock. Well, so was I.

If this is a movie, this will be the part where the camera zooms out and everything turns blurry.

You know that saying "older guys have been around the block, and they know how to use their cocks"? I'm here to tell you it's true. He gives one of the best head I've ever had, and he found my g-spot right away.

Later, when we're both sweaty and there's cum stains everywhere...

"You wanna take a quick shower?" he asked.

"Sure." I love taking shower together after sex. There's something about it that I just can't explain. It's so intimate.

Later, when he was taking me back to the gym to get my bike, he was telling me why my butterfly stroke looks retarded, and what's the right way to do it.

A casual afternoon hook up: great
A swimming lesson: great
A casual afternoon hook up AND a swimming lesson: PRICELESS.

He pulled over at the gym. Right before I got out...

"By the way, I'm Snakehead."

"Mark."

"Cool. I'll see you around, Mark."

"Yeah, see you around."

I have a feeling that I will see him around.