Thursday, September 01, 2005

I'm totally cheatin' dude.

I was doing some house cleaning on all the documents I have on my computer, and I came across this silly little thing I wrote for craigslist not too long ago. I decided to share it since I don't have anything better to write. So, sit back, relax, grab a handful of popcorn, and enjoy.

Lights dimmed.

Curtains rolled.



Here it goes.

It’s hard looking to settle down with the ONE guy that’s right for you in this superficial and artificial city, so I’ve decided to stop looking for that ONE guy. Instead, I’m looking for a part-time boyfriend. Yupe. That’s right. It’s part-time. Hey, everything sounds better when it’s part-time, right? So why not this? And if we really dig each other, or if you started sleeping around with other people, then we can talk about the possibility of you graduating from part-time to full-time boyfriend. Sounds good? Yes? Keep reading then. No? Well, keep reading as well because I’m witty and I’m going to write something funny. Who know, at the end of this posting you might want to email me something like “Holy shit dude, that’s the funniest shit I’ve seen in minutes dude!”, or something like “You must have too much free time, don’t you? If you’re that free, why don’t you go outside and save a kitten or plant a tree or ask random people if they want their nipples twisted for a fee, dumb ass!” or even something like “Hello, I know you’re gay and not interested in women, but give me one chance and I will rock your world! I have breasts the size of papaya, ass the size of honey dew, lips the size of bananas and I love eating fruits!”

So how this works? Follow me here.

We will have sex. But before we do, we have a whole shitload of things to do. First we’re gonna have to have dinner. Maybe coffee the first time, and then dinner the second time. By the end of the dinner, you will have to have impressed me with your sense of humor, or you maturity, or your smile, or your way of thinking, or your piercing blue/green/grey/red/purple/black/it-changes-colors-according-to-how-constipated-you-are eyes, or your hot hot body, or your feeling of security, or your sexy lips, or your wit, or your passion for something other than politics and religions, or your weirdness, or your hair, or the way you make me feel, or your good looks etc etc.

There WILL be spooning afterwards. No spooning, no sex. Period. And no snoring please. Otherwise I’ll squeeze your balls and pull your pubes until you stop. I do grind my teeth in my sleep, so you can grind your teeth as well.

Since you’ll be spooning me, you’re so very welcomed to spend the night. I’ll set my alarm so that we can have another orgasm before I have to go to school or before you have to go to work/school/back to your wife. I’m just kidding. No married man please.

Now that we’ve had the most important thing covered, let’s move on to something else.

I am very busy with school. So I will not have much free time to do what a full-time boyfriend should do during school. Things like cook for you, water your lawn, talk on the phone about nothing for hours will be very scarce. We don’t even have to do things together all the time. I do always have time to shower together to save water, or call you every night before I go to bed to kiss you good night, or remind you to pick up your dry cleaning and call your mother, or make you feel like you’re the biggest man in the world, or listen to you when you’re upset, or be there for you if you needed me. Above all else, I always have time to get drunk and get high, even on school night. In other words, I’ll be there for you if you need/want me to, and I hope you can reciprocate that.

Now, if after sometime we still dig each other, or if you started sleeping with other guys and I started feeling jealous about it, then we’ll sit down face to face, in an office, on each side of the table and discuss the option of promoting you to full-time boyfriend. We will discuss the raise, something like from 1 dinner, 4 blow jobs and 4 anal sex to 2 dinner, including 1 homemade meal (my fried chicken kick ass! seriously), 1 movie, 1 walking around holding hands, 2 going to the bars, unlimited blow jobs and unlimited anal sex. I’ll even throw in doing your laundry and walk your dog if I have to.

Sounds good? Shoot me an email then. I promise you I’m not fat, not a convict, not a killer, not a sociopath, not a woman, not tall, not stupid, not insensitive, not dull, not evil (maybe sometimes), not sloppy, not crazy, not a slut, not fake, not ugly and not an alien waiting to kidnap you and sodomize you.

Did I mention I love guys with stubbles/five o’clock shadows?

I bet you're dying to know if I met anybody from this post, aren't you? Okay, maybe not dying, but extremely curious.


Keep guessing!