Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sober and unkissed.

Lethargic is a bad thing.

He's sitting there, watching the time goes by; staring at a pile of articles, hoping they would read themselves; thinking about the report, wishing they would write themselves.

Lethargic is a bad thing.

He doesn't even know what to do with his time.

Sometimes, he wonder if he needs therapy. In some way, he thinks he is all messed up. But then he realizes that he is just thinking too much.


He justified it with the reasons that sometimes, he stared at the keyboard, wanting to write something gut-wrenching, but he draws no inspiration. His life, up to this point, has been blessed. He knows it. He treasures it. He knows himself well. He knows what he has, what he needs and what he wants.

What he wants is a relationship. What he needs is not to have a relationship. He knows himself well like that. His past experience in his life tells him that he is not ready. At all. He would rather watch Gilmore Girls than talk to his boyfriend on the phone. He is too selfish to share his life. He hates it when things don't go his way. His response to his boyfriend's "I love you" was "are you serious?"

I love you.

Are you serious?

Oh just shut the fuck up.

Sometimes he thinks he thinks too much, too afraid to take any chances, overanalyzing things. He can't help it, for he is the anal-est person to ever sit on his own balls. But he also once went on 5 days without showering. His hair was so greasy then he actually scrambled an egg with the grease. It wasn't tasty.

At the end of the day, he knows that all that are just excuses, excuses, excuses. Yet he is not motivated to do a damn thing.

Lethargic is a bad thing.

The other night he watched the series finale of Six Feet Under. In the commentary afterwards, someone said, "they are afraid to love because they crave love so much."

He ponders that sentence for a long time. He is frightened that he would turn into one of "they", yet he doesn't know what to do. He is still too young and too naive to figure that out.

Sometimes he thinks he has been single for so long, he doesn't even care anymore. He goes to the gym in PJs and flip flop. Some might consider the gym 'a gay church'. He goes to the gay church in PJs and flip flop. If there is a gay Jesus he would've been smacked 10,000 times by now.

Most of the time he would go to school with no products in his hair. And he knows damn well that his hair looks exactly like a birdnest in the morning. He buys nice colognes for displaying purposes, not for wearing. And he knows damn well how important a person's scent is. In some way, he believes his prince loves the smell of fish and feet.

No, silly. You will never get to smell him when he is fish and feet. That right is reserved especially for his husband.