Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Three things. Only three. That's never going to be enough.

I stole this from Chicken, who got it from Nutshell Crack'd, who got it from Incestuous Amplification, who got it out of thin air, I think. Over on the other side, Poppy Cedes got it from Jenna is Annoyed (uh oh), who also got it out of thin air. Man, people are getting stuff out of thin air left and right. Soon we're gonna have to start learning how to breathe in water. I can teach you, if you're interested, just look for me in a restaurant near you. I look like this
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when I'm marinated and sauteed.

Three Things.

Three names I go by:
1. Hey
2. Little Bee-ran
3. Dude

Three screen names that I have had:
1. The Snakehead, obviously.
2. Trojan4Cock. Only one time. In a chatroom.
3. Pimpdiddyhustla. No, really.

Three things I like about myself:
1. The way I slowly lift my left cheek...... and fart.
2. My nipples. They are my G-spot. I love them.
3. This is a secret.

Three things I don't like about myself:
1. My anal-retentiveness.
2. My balls. They are not the same size. Goddamn it!
3. This is also a secret.

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Adam.
2. Ape.
3. Chimpanze.

Three things that scare me:
1. This.
2. Snakes. Every single one of them. Seeing them on TV alone makes my skin crawls.
3. Erectile Dysfunction.

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Water.
2. Air.
3. Music. That's all I need to survive. For 2 days. Then I'm gonna have to trade one of these in for food. Probably water.

Three things I'm wearing right now:
1. T-shirt.
2. Cargo pants.
3. That's all. I don' wear underwear. My boys preferred to be free-balling.

Three of my favorite bands or musical artists:
1. Damien Rice.
2. Weezer.
3. Sarah Mclachlan.
4. Wilco. I told you 3 is not gonna be enough.

Three physical things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. I'm not attracted to opposite sex.
2. Except one thing.
3. Big boobies! Yeah baby! They rock! They jiggle! Especially when you bury your face in them.

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. Heaven.
2. Earth.
3. And everywhere in between.

Three new things I want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Go to school in nothing but a thong.
2. Go to jury duty in nothing but a thong.
3. See 2 Kung-Fu Gerbils fight.

Three things I just can't do:
1. Roll my tongue.
2. Lick my elbow.
3. This.

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Have 3 kids. Ethan, Josh and a girl whose name I haven't decide.
2. Have a front yard with white picket fences.
3. Say "I love you more than life itself" and mean every word of it.

Three celeb crushes:
1. Josh Wald. Can someone please turn the heat down? It's getting TOO HOT in here.
2. Hugh Jackman. Hugh, I love you.
3. Jude Law. Jude, I love you too. You sure you're not gay?
4. David Beckham. Dave, dump that bitchy wife of yours, OK? We can raise the kids together.
Raoul Bova. Oh baby.
Eric Hanson. I won't mind that you were a porn star. Really. Just show me that 8 inches of yours.
7. Jake Gyllenhaal. Mmmm... yummy. Like tiramisu.
8. Michael Jackson. When he takes his nose off at night. Totally hot.